22 lessons from Stephen King on how to be a great writer
You probably already know that shame is an emotion that makes you feel horrible. Psychologists define shame as the internal experience read: feeling or belief that you are, in some way, inadequate — and thus unworthy of being accepted by another person or belonging to a particular group. For clarity: Shame is different from guilt, which is the sense that you've done something wrong. Guilt arises in response to actions you've taken or decisions you've made, whereas shame relates to how you feel about yourself and your worth. Someone could feel badly about having said something nasty to a loved one but still feel OK about who they are as a person, for instance. The belief that you are unlovable, unworthy, or otherwise defective can lead to a host of unhelpful behaviors ranging from social isolation to violence, as well as addiction, self-harm, and even excessive weight gain. Not surprisingly, high levels of shame in early childhood and adolescence are tied to an increased risk of psychopathology and emotional issues in adulthood. With the decades of research into shame's many iterations — labeled ostracism, rejection, stigma, and other synonyms in the psychological literature — you'd think modern society would have a much better handle on how to rid yourself of shame's debilitating consequences. But as most therapists can verify, most people still remain in the dark about how to handle shame.
Don't minimize their feelings, but do acclaim them for being resilient. For grown-ups, minor embarrassments are no big agreement. But for kids, being embarrassed be able to be very upsetting. Helping kids assemble resilience and confidence will make absolutely they have tools to deal along with embarrassment in a healthy way. Kids look to parents to see how to behave. When you feel embarrassed, set an example by responding coolly and keeping your cool. That was embarrassing! But it was kind of funny, too. Embarrassment can be a powerful emotion for kids.
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